back to the future iv

i, once again have been bested by my artistic brain and thought that sabrina carpenter was who i was most interested in writing about.

at a new years eve party i told two of my close confidants who have the nerve to react intrigued, supportive and engaged about my next substack idea and support me generally whenever i do things. to my surprise they were so excited when i said “i’m going to write my thoughts on doechii’s tiny desk vs sabrina carpenter’s tiny desk. it’s so convenient they were close together so i can make some interesting commentary!”

i don’t care about that.

new years eve is the worst holiday. for me, this year it was successful because i was able to spend the last night of 2024 with some of friends. i wore a fun outfit and i went out dancing, which for me is a job well done on any night. i love the people i have in my life right now and i feel supported by the people i spent the holiday with.

though i have spent most of my twenties (i am almost 26, so more than half) trying to pretend like new years eve is not a holiday of pretending.

on the eve of 2025, i am a person who, when given the opportunity to do a puzzle, began to cry instead because my friend laney was not there, because i knew they are the one who would be sure we do the edges first.

on the eve of 2025, in the wee hours in the morning, i spent some of it not in my regular state of mind, sitting on the toilet thinking i should really cashapp my dad $200 because i love him so much and he’s spent his whole life alongside my mom giving me what i need.

this year, 2025, is the year that i will not have guaranteed health insurance because i don’t have a job that offers those benefits. i do, however have a job that allows me to read stories to children. stories like “harold and the purple crayon” and “where the wild things are.” after we read stories, we dance around the room, and sometimes the children are nice to me and other times they call me “tuesday” because i teach them on tuesday.

of all the holidays, new years eve is the worst. it is an unnecessary reminder of the passage of time. unnecessary, meaning a notification i never asked for, one that is usually the preambler to another year of a certain business as usual.

i want to add a caveat that i have almost no problem with aging. i love getting older, and i look forward to it. i am sure i will wrestle with it in a way that everyone does, certainly in some way that every woman is forced to. however, in a society where much of the time you buy your opportunities and wellbeing, a tradition where we honor another 365 days of that by spending money, drinking or going to a party where you don’t know anyone there to watch the TV rings a tad hollow. on top of that we come up with more goals! a to do list! it's outrageous.

however this year for me, dressing up and dancing and concluding the night crying about a puzzle was a pleasant surprise. i was not made to feel alone even for a second.

i consider my birthday, february 23 to be a new year. since that gives me roughly two months to get myself together, i thought i would make a post just to express my gratitude if you made 2024 special for me. and to also say good luck on your resolution ‘cause i’m not doing mine.

a person i met in my building told me he had no new year's eve plans and asked me if i do yoga. i'm sure there are some insinuations in that conversation. after we spoke, individually, independently, and of my own accord i thought about how i can simplify things for myself if i wish to. it is within my power to be uninterested in what i say i want to be uninterested in.

so next year i will be staying in and spending new year's eve with my cat watching back to the future i,ii, and iii, a classic film that considers time travel. i consider my new year's to do list to be doing whatever i need to do to make that event as cozy and as peaceful as possible for the two of us.